my language, let me show you it

I remember that one time, maybe back when we were in love, Internet, or no wait, it was that time when I heard my sister having sex through the wall and darkness swallowed the Earth, I said I would tell you about hen kerlien, my personal favourite Chinese expression. All it means literally is 'very (hen) sad (kerlien),' but it also has connotations of 'pathetic' without any of the judgment or scorn. I don't think there is an English equivalent, so at this juncture I will ask you to picture a child walking alone in the world. Hen kerlien!

Here are some examples of hen kerlien in action:

1. One time as a kid, I asked my dad if he wanted to play catch, and he said he was feeling too lazy at the moment; I said this was okay. I had a bowl haircut.

We had this plastic elephant that lobbed baseballs at you with its trunk, so minutes later I was seen carrying the elephant and a TV tray into the backyard. I guess at this point I became visible in the window of the living room, where my dad sat reclining on the couch. Thus framed, I proceeded to arrange the elephant on the TV tray, turn it on, and run away to hit the first ball with my whiffle bat. I repeated this process every fourth ball, because that is how many balls I had. I was not too far into it when my dad appeared in the backyard with my baseball glove, citing that the spectacle was too kerlien to bear. Hen kerlien!

2. When my sister was 19, she went to Honduras with Habitat for Humanity. She had a bowl haircut. (I keed, I keed. Actually, did she?) I guess she was there for about four months. The week before her return, she called home and told my dad what day she was coming back and what time her flight would arrive.

It is possible that as the older, more independent child, my sister is not as high on my parents' hen kerlien radar. I'm not saying it's fair; a complex has been formed. Anyway, she was fishing for a homecoming at the airport and a ride back to Guelph, but my dad was not attuned to this and told her that he was going to Malaysia that week, okay, bye!

When she got back, 19, crusty, and with a possible bowl cut, she was the only kid without parents waiting expectantly in the arrivals lounge. Someone else's parents took pity on her and gave her a ride to the subway so that she could get to the bus station and take a bus home to an empty house in Guelph. Hen motherfucking kerlien!

So to summarize, hen kerlien: It means 'very sad' and it is always enhanced by a bowl cut. If you are wondering how to pronounce it, my hope is for it to be integrated into the English lexicon to help us better describe the sad goddamn world we live in, so you can just go ahead and pronounce it in your big white way! I love you.